The Music Box: Chapter Twenty-Nine

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No,” Oscar repeated. “That’s not going to work.”

“And why do you say that?”

“Well, for starters, you’re a girl. Girls never know how to do anything properly.”

Emily turned red. She might be the stranger here, but he had no right talking this way.

“You take that back!”

“Nope.”

“I’m telling you, take it back.”

“But it’s true. Just think about it. If girls knew how to do things properly, they wouldn’t need boys, would they? But there are boys; which simply proves that girls don’t know how to do things properly.”

“Why that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. I could just as easily say that because girls exist, that proves boys don’t know how to do things properly. It would make just as much sense.”

“Ah, but you didn’t, did you? You didn’t think to, because you aren’t as quick, because you’re a girl. Now don’t get us wrong, we have quite a soft spot for girls, don’t we Bernard?”

“Yep, we do,” Bernard called over their shoulder.

“It’s just that they should stick to certain things they’re good at – collecting flowers, skipping, being pretty. Leave the thinking stuff to the boys.”

“Is that so? Well if you’re so smart Mr Topkins, how about you tell me how I can get home.”

“Home? Why you are home my dear. This is as splendid a home as anybody could ever ask for. But don’t take my word for it, let’s see what Mr Topkins thinks.”

Mr Topkins turned a lazy pirouette, with Mr Topkins picking up where he left off.

“I trust, Emily, you have head talk of ‘The Land Time Forgot’? Well this is ‘The Land Time Remembered’! As such, it is a repository for absolutely everything. Everything that has ever happened, is happening and will ever happen is all found here – and all at once. So what you will find is that all you wish to find can be found, and many things you never thought to find are perfectly findable as well.

“This has a few consequences in which you may be interested, given your wish to leave despite just having arrived. The first of these is that you are not here as well as being here, for you were not here before you were here and that time is still here. Not only are you not here and here, but you have also already left. That time is here too, and might I say seems to be the time you are most interested in.”

“It is it is! But how do I find this time?”

“That’s more a question for Mr Topkins. I’m more an expert on the time before you were here, while he is more intimate with the time after you left.”

“Well can you ask him please?”

“I’m not sure I should, I think he’s having a nap and he gets quite grumpy if woken without a good reason.”

Surely enough, Emily could hear loud snoring coming from behind Mr Topkins. She was growing most confused and increasingly frustrated, but knew she best watch her temper.

“Mr Topkins, I think this is a special case. I have to get home and soon – I fear my family is in awful danger.”

“Oh, and do pray tell – what danger is this?”

“Well the man who tricked me into being here is now trying to get to my parents. I have to warn them before it’s too late.”

“Ah yes, Aloysius Crouch. He really is quite something. You know he was the first of you lot to ever come here? A funny chap, as I recall, exceedingly intelligent, but always a little... serious. Would never share a laugh. Mr Topkins never took to him for that reason, whereas I still had a certain respect for the man. Although I use the term loosely, for he was as oft a beast as he was man when he came by. All this wolf business, it’s funny that it took them so long to cotton on! Mr Topkins and I could pick it straight away, but then I guess that’s what comes of having the benefit of hindsight before something has actually happened.”

Emily puzzled over this a little, but found she was quite lost. She tried another tack.

“Well how does Mr Crouch come and go? I mean if he was here and is now back in my town, surely there’s a way for me to do the same?”

Mr Topkins pondered this, but simply shrugged. “Perhaps, but like I said, that’s not really my realm.”

“Well how about waking Mr Topkins and I can ask him?”

“Like I said, once he’s snoozing, that’s it.”

Furious, although decidedly out of character, Emily lashed out with her foot, catching Mr Topkins on the shin. “You mean old man!” she shouted. “How can you be so callous? You should be ashamed.”

As Mr Topkins bent to rub his shin, Emily leaned over and grabbed the other Mr Topkins by the nose. She held tight until he woke with a splutter, then let go and took a step back.

“I think you will find he is awake now!”

Bernard Topkins glared at Emily, but by now Oscar Topkins was wide awake. And, as Mr Topkins had warned, sounded most grumpy.

“What’s going on?” he demanded.

“It was the little girl, Emily Button – she woke you up!”

“Why would she do such a thing? Oh the wretch.”

“It’s true, she also kicked me in the shin!”

At this Oscar Topkins let out a rumbling bellow – Emily thought she was going to cop a blast, but realised he was laughing.

“Did she now? Sensational! You’ve been asking for a good kick in the shins for a long time you know. If I could do it myself I surely would. I bet you were taunting her.”

“I was doing nothing of the sort. I merely told her how you are such a grumpy sod when waken that she would be better of sticking her head in a canterjamoo’s mouth than dare wake you. Or words to that affect.”

“Did you now? How interesting. Especially coming from such an old sourpuss.”

Emily stared in disbelief as Mr Topkins and Mr Topkins traded insult after insult. At any other time she would have found it quite entertaining indeed, but now she simply needed to know how to get out of here. Leaving them to their bickering, she started to wander away.

“Hey! And where do you think you’re going?”

Turning around, Emily tried to work out who had called after her. It seemed to be the man in the green coat who, if she remembered correctly, was Oscar.

"Well you two are no help. I need to get going if I’m ever going to get out of here.”

“You won’t get very far without our help.”

“I’ve not got very far with your help.”

“True as that may be, we are your only chance. Without us, you’ll walk to what you think is the edge of the forest and as you take what you are sure must be the last step out, find that you’ve actually just stepped right back in. You’ll turn around to step back out and find, again, you’ve just stepped right on in. Before you know it you won’t know which way is in, which is out, which way up, which way down, for the simple reason it will be all the above and none of the above. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, the dice roll, the cards fall and the world goes round.”

“It will be the stalk all over again,” Bernard threw in for good measure.

Loath as she was to admit it, Emily knew they must be telling the truth. She turned around, placed her hands on her hips and eyed them carefully. “Well, tell me what I have to do.”